I was aware of the resistance, but I could not put my finger on the fear. I had 8 years of healing work behind me clearing my entire ancestral lineage, so what in the world was this all about? What was I so afraid of?

1 January 2018 I sank into deep meditation. I had enough of this and wanted to know.
“When you see beauty, you see love”, I heard (my) Spirit whisper.
What the………?

When I opened my eyes I looked straight into the core of the most beautiful soft pink rose I bought myself days before. I stared at her as if seeing her for the first time, absolutely gobsmacked by her beauty.
“Love”, I mumbled, “I am afraid of seeing my own beauty and loving myself.”
And right after: “Because if I love myself, then no one else would have to do that for me anymore and I will end up all alone!”
Yep, I definitely needed to redefine my definition of love.

A year later I wrote in my diary:
“Love isn’t about staying connected with others just because you want them to feel and understand your pain. Love is about understanding your own pain and seeing the beauty of it. That is when you will feel loved.”

I let go of myself that 1st of January 2018. Of the story of struggle and conflict and pain I had become in order to receive the attention (read: acknowledgement) and compassion of others.

Instead, I set out to be the woman I choose to be for myself: Free. Strong. Wise. And Beautiful. Not to seek the attention of others, but to feel love for myself.

It worked.

Turns out (my) Spirit was right. When you see beauty, you see love. When you understand your own pain, your own struggles and hardship, when you can see the beauty of their existence and what they bring you in life – that is when you feel whole and loved. Not by the compassion and acknowledgement of others, but by the compassion and acknowledgement of yourself for yourself.

May you feel whole and loved today beautiful.
I see you.