I am no headliner hero with a great hero’s journey to share. I did not go to Harvard or Yale. I am not a guru with a turban or sari. I have no following. I don’t speak in a profound way. The words I use may not fit with many views of wisdom and enlightenment. I tell stories, I sometimes gossip, I sometimes get embroiled in the sorrows and drama of this society, this reality and sometimes I don’t. I’m too kind to be powerful, too much of a bitch to be weak… too “something lacking” to be in my knowing. I am both too much and too little.
You judge me, as you judge yourself and I come up lacking or you do. When I choose what you will not, I’m dis-empowering, when I don’t choose your road, your way, I am weak. When I stand in my truth, if it is not your truth, I am wrong. I hear your thoughts, I sense your judgments and I know that it is your path. I know that you will not see me. I know that sometimes I don’t see myself. I know that it does not matter. I am simply me, undefinable, different every day and yet somehow profoundly the same.
My words will have little or no impact on you. I am not worthy of your distinction in this reality. I have done nothing great in the eyes of this world. I don’t have a name that is known, quoted and I am not seen as anyone of particular wisdom or grace. I did take the yellow brick road to self-discovery and am letting go of inherited [genetic or other learned habits/patterns of survival] passed on through generations of well-meaning ancestors.
And it does not matter. I know that I am a beautiful expression of my infinite self. I have let go of self-judgment, I have let go of giving my power over to the chatter in my head. I am willing to acknowledge what is in my life. That sometimes I buy the crap of this reality and sometimes I don’t. It is simply a choice I make on a daily basis. There is no one to please but myself. It pleases me to be kind. It pleases me to be a woman of my word. It pleases me to choose to acknowledge who I am and to like who I am. It pleases me to choose to live in Joy. I am enough and I am more than enough.
I know regardless of my or anyone else’s choices, there is not one of us that is broken. There is no one who needs to be fixed, or healed or saved. We have all chosen a path for our own reasons and it may look amazing or horrible to ourselves and those around us and when and if we are ready, we will re-choose. We may never re-choose and we may re-choose every day.
I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know when I chose it and at some point these last few months, I stopped judging myself. I stopped listening to the voices telling me that I should be different, make different choices, be other than I am. I choose, I see what it created and I choose again. No right or wrong…just choice. I like most of my choices. I like that I like me for the first time in my life.
I like that I am able to invite people in and out of my life based on what works for me. If having someone in my life adds to it or detracts from it. I have realized I can be in allowance of other people’s choices without having to have them impact my life or be a part of my life.
I know that I am being judged. I know that people will read my words and decided I missing something, lacking something and that if I “only” got this one thing or that, I’d be better. It might even be true. I wonder how many people judge others and themselves and call it awareness? I know when I am being judge and I can hear that you have called it your awareness.
I know when you are having awareness and are judging me because I have yet to have that same awareness about myself. I also know when you are just being in allowance of me and all that I am. You may have an awareness of what I could be choosing that I might not be ready to choose yet. I love when you have that, when you see me and what I could be choosing that I am not, without judgment. I will probably invite you to spend more time in my life. There is a wonderful joy being in the presence of someone in complete allowance of you and your choices with no judgment. I have notice that creates an ease in which to choose and removes resistance. When I am with someone who can be that with me… I notice that choosing something different has more ease to it and it opens up more willingness in me to ask more questions about what else is possible in my life.
I know me better than anyone. Just as you know you better than anyone and I no longer have the urge to give my authority over to the guru, the well-known name, the honored mentor, the person who “knows”. I am learning to trust my knowing more and more and that I will do and be what works for me. Now I invite and embrace myself to and through a thriving, not just surviving, journey. A journey filled with surprises and all kinds of emotions.
I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be. Perfection maybe just another limitation or box we put ourselves in. I am just me being me… on my journey to more. More of me, more joy, more kindness, more gratitude, more allowance, more trust, more vulnerability, more being present, more communion, more love, more choices that could be called mistakes, more choices that could be called correct…. I will take each step with curiosity and joy when I do and sometimes I will take each step with discomfort and sadness, when I do. I will not judge, I will choose. I will choose me and what works for me, when I do. I will make no sense, I will be inconsistent, I will be uncomfortable, I will be awake and I will continue to take each step into this journey. I don’t know the destination or what it will look like, I just know I will be with me the entire way and I will step further into my own awareness and my own knowing and my own joy. I know that this is more than enough. I am continually choosing joy and happiness as my home base even through the tumultuous stormy weather of my ever expansive life.
Here is to my simply being me on my hero’s journey and to yours as well.
Rioha